just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.