99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.