[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
okay run it by me one more time
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
😂😂😂