A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby