Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.