Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.