People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.