Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
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I hate when that happens.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
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7.
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9.
10. He is a cat.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined