-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good