“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
you have three unread messages
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My life in a nutshell
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?