If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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Ferrari squats
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.