cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
What kind of a cult is this?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.