9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
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If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
who did the taste test?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.