me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
how much for the angry fruit?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!