ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
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I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this