aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
You Might Also Like
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
the dark web is just a goth google.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.