Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
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*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Pat is about to own someone
how much for the angry fruit?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.