In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
He a real one for that
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast