I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
incredible
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now