*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Yeah. This was me today.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
PLOT TWIST:
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain