I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You Might Also Like
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
This is the best one I’ve seen
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing