How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
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Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
i’m sure it’s fine
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.