I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
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Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Meow
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.