Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
🤣😂🤣
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.