watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
This pepper has seen some shit
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.