The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
You Might Also Like
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.