This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Happy birthday to all the women
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Morning my dudes.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country