Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
good for her
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie