DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do