“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
oh you like architecture? name three walls
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.