The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.