My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.