I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
*gets down on one knee*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling