me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You Might Also Like
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Not my job 😂
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Cause of death: Zumba
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony