They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven