OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween