I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
You Might Also Like
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo