The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
honestly, i need both:
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior