Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
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Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
lol
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Well, this is awkward
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.