The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Siri, fight Alexa.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣