For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Nice try Hitler
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor