This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
You Might Also Like
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
584.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.