COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
The fall of Netflix
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.