There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
O Wise One….
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”