I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
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Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
mumsnet is amazing
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering