My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
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I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Bed should get ready for ME
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.