A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
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Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Finally, a door that understands me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit