*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
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My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
A little too much information.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
A short story about romance.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself