I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
They’re really bad with fonts.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.