I really would love to see two mimes arguing
You Might Also Like
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
much to think about
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.